Standing On My Own

Standing On My Own Chapter 12

0After catching me from my horse fall; Jesse told me to meet him by the windmill outside the barn at midnight. Jane happened to overhear everything and lent me another outfit of hers. I don’t understand why she needs to make me look so good when it’s not like I need to impress him.

Screenshot-5I walked to him slowly partially to gather my thoughts and partially to prevent myself from falling flat on my face in these death traps Jane calls shoes. I would give anything for some sneakers right now. I came to the conclusion that the only reason Jane dressed me up was because she was pushing me to win Jesse over. Not that I even wanted to… do I? I don’t even know.

1“I didn’t know we were on speaking terms again.” I said as I drew nearer, partially joking, partially to test the waters. I wasn’t sure our awkward phase was over yet. “Sorry about that.” he said. “Tonight is partially to make up for it.”

Screenshot-6I figured Jesse just wanted to get out of the house to do something together, I didn’t know the reason was for him to apologize for avoiding me all week. Despite our casualness this morning I still felt odd when he came close to me. I pretended to brush something off my leg as he came closer.

Screenshot-7“You look beautiful.” he said. “Thanks.” I barely choked out. Me? Beautiful? I’ve never heard those words in the same sentence before. Frankly, because I have never been around anyone to tell me. Jesse grabbed my arm and tugged me away to an unknown destination…

Screenshot-8Considering the time of night a movie seemed a bit random. The theater was deserted and for a good reason; its 2 a.m around now and if you asked me what we watched I wouldn’t be able to even describe the plot let alone tell you the title. All I was thinking of was Jesse’s arm that was resting on the back of my chair for the duration of the feature.

Screenshot-9He led me down a stone path to the outskirts of town. He hadn’t said much to me since he complimented my looks back at the windmill. He took a seat by a billboard and I came down and sat next to him.

Screenshot-10I decided that I would have to be the first one to break the silence. “Wow, look at all the stars.” I exclaimed. I wish I thought of something better to say because I sounded completely childish as the words spilled out of my mouth. Jesse chuckled and I smiled. At least I got a reaction out of him.

Screenshot-11He seemed to snap back from wherever he was off day dreaming at. I felt his eyes staring at me but now it was my mind that had left. I was thinking about how I have never in all my life had a chance to go stargazing with anyone. This moment was kind of special for me.

Screenshot-12“You know, I’ve never been stargazing before.” I began; hopefully this would be a simple way to start a conversation. “Why not?” he asked. Looks like my plan was working, Jesse began to get into the conversing mood. “Well, people usually go with a friend, lover, family member, or parents and since I’ve got none of the above, I never went.” “Well, you have me.” he said. My heartbeat began to get louder.

Screenshot-13“You know, I never really wanted you to come to the house to work.” he began. “Hmm?” I said. I wasn’t sure if Jane told him that she’d already told me everything. I decided I’d rather not say, and let him tell me what he wanted to on his own. “The whole test thing was just a show, for the staff to not question my reason for bringing you.” he continued. “And what was the reason then?” I asked. “To be honest, I know it sounds lame, but when I had saw you at the park, you immediately reminded me of someone I knew. That person is… no longer around. But I felt a selfish desire to have you around and try to get to know you.” “That’s not lame at all.” I said. “Lord knows I needed a friend anyways, and you’ve helped me in more ways than you could know…”  I said. We spent a few hours there on the grass. Talking, sharing stories, getting to know one another.

Screenshot-14I was in the middle of telling him about the orphanage. I found myself choking up for some reason. I had never talked about it, with anyone. Suddenly I felt Jesse’s hand come onto mine. It was warm. I could feel his pulse beat steadily in the tips of his fingers as opposed to my rapid irregular beats. “You don’t have to tell me, if it’s hard for you.” he said. “Everything comes with time.”

Screenshot-15I found myself smiling as I stared back at him. I just nodded, fearing my voice would break if I tried to speak. I know Jane had mentioned that all Jesse needed was a friend, and maybe he was longing for something more. I began to feel a bit worried that I was falling for him. The last thing I wanted to do was have him repeat his history. Though I doubt I was capable of breaking any hearts.

Screenshot-16He grinned and turned his gaze back to the sky. He shifted his body next to mine and I just accepted his closeness while I tilted my head away.

Screenshot-17The sky around us was cold and still. There was not a sound that could be heard aside from out steady breathing. As time dragged on I began to wonder what exactly was going through his mind; because I knew something was. I decided to break the silence again this time with a whisper. “Are you going to tell me whatever it is you want to say?” This time I felt his heartbeat pick up a little.

Screenshot-18 I didn’t want to confuse myself into thinking his gestures of kindness were of stemming from something more, but I couldn’t help but hope he was feeling something for me too. “How did you know I was thinking about something?” he asked finally starting the conversation for once. “I can see it in your eyes.” I said.

Screenshot-19“When you’re angry you fix your gaze on the ground, when you’re thinking you tend to look at the sky.” I quickly shut my mouth, I didn’t realize how much I had been analyzing him. I was slowly coming to grips with my feelings for him, and I didn’t want him to think that I was just like those other girls from his past.

Screenshot-21I know that it was hard for him to try and let anyone into his life again, and if he was feeling something for me, it was probably an extension of whatever he felt for Amara, still, I couldn’t help but hope. “You know that this location is the best in town to stargaze.” he said. He ignored my question. I knew it, I probably freaked him out when I told him about the things I notched about him.

Screenshot-22Time continued to sit still and the sky was beginning to lighten up. Suddenly I felt his body move.

Screenshot-23He began to shift himself away from me. I did the same automatically. I knew it. He was probably just being nice like he always was. I felt foolish for opening myself up to him so deeply, granted he did the same, but it was probably because he needed a friend, like Jane had said.

Screenshot-24We sat for a few minutes in silence and then I noticed him begin to rise. I got to my feet as well but I hopped up much quicker than him.

Screenshot-25I just stood there awkwardly while he took his time. He brushed off grass from his legs and then turned his body to face me.

Screenshot-26I kept my gaze fixed on a hill directly ahead. I could feel his eyes still on me.

Screenshot-27He stepped closer and then opened his mouth. “Arianna.” he said very softly. I could feel his warm breath tickle my neck as she said my name. He’s said my name many times before, but for some reason, now it sounded so good to hear him say it.

Screenshot-28“Yes.” I said as I turned back to him. He tilted his head to the side and began raising his arm. I got that odd sense of déjà vu again. I knew exactly what was coming.

Screenshot-29He pressed his lips against mine as he has done twice before. This time though, shock did not overcome me as it did the other times. It’s because this time…. I actually wanted him to, I was secretly hoping he would.

Screenshot-30He kept his lips on mine for much longer than he usually did before. His warm arm holding mine made me realize how cold I was, but now, that was not the most important thing on my mind.

Screenshot-33He pulled away and stared right at me with his honey colored eyes, and I could’ve melted right there. Suddenly, I began to raise my own arms automatically. I knew his feelings probably weren’t genuine. He must’ve been caught up in the moment. Whether it was because he was vulnerable or because he was thinking of someone else, I didn’t care. As foolish and idiotic as it was, I didn’t want the feeling to stop.

Screenshot-36I began sliding one of my arms onto his and my other onto his neck. His arms wrapped my waist and held my hair. My own boldness surprised me as I pushed his head to mine.

Screenshot-37The kiss was the same as before. A soft press of his lips against mine, our heads where still.

Screenshot-38 Then, he pulled away again. He smiled at me with a million dollar smile. It made my heart flutter.

Screenshot-40He turned his head away from mine. I would give anything to know what exactly was crossing his mind at this moment. I combed my fingers through his hair, it was so lush and soft; just touching him sent an electric shock through my body.

Screenshot-39He began to drop his hands and I did the same; did I do something wrong? Was it not as enjoyable for him as it was for me…? I mean, I did have absolutely zero experience prior to this, but still… I didn’t think I did too bad.

Screenshot-41“You know, for someone who has claimed that she has never kissed anyone before, you are pretty good at it.” he said. Did I just hear him say that? I forgot that in my open discussion with him earlier, I had mentioned that. I definitely shared more than I should’ve. I felt the heat rise to my face.

Screenshot-42He placed his hand against my cheek

Screenshot-43I tilted my head into his palm and placed my hand on his.

Screenshot-44I looked around and smirked to myself because there was no one here. I had him all to myself, and even though I knew we are two completely different people, with different backgrounds. Right now, alone, we were just a guy and a girl.

Screenshot-46“You know, I should be taking you back around now. Our day trip has branched into something much longer.” Please don’t. I thought. As if he could read my mind, he wrapped his arms around my waist.

Screenshot-47He pulled me close and I felt my arms rise to link around his back as if they had a mind of their own. I really shouldn’t be doing this. A small voice was saying in the back of my mind. Unfortunately, there was a louder voice telling me not to stop.

Screenshot-49He instigated the kiss this time, and it was much harder. He was opening and closing his lips against mine as if he were eating them. It gave me a tingling sensation.

Screenshot-51Then he began to tilt his head to one side and slowly rotate it back to the other, I found myself following his lead. I then felt his cold tongue push its way into my mouth and press against mine. He was making out with me… Me. And I enjoyed every bit of it.

Screenshot-53It felt as if time was passing so slowly and we could just be here forever.

Screenshot-54Eventually, reality began to seep into my mind, though I tried very hard for it not to. What am I doing? I slowly broke my lips away from his and began to pull away. Every inch in my body was screaming in disapproval.

Screenshot-55He smirked and said, “It wasn’t that bad was it?” “No no, it’s not that…” I began. “Then you enjoyed it.” he said with a wink. I didn’t answer the question with words but all the color rising to my cheeks managed to give him the answer he wanted. He held his head satisfied.

Screenshot-57“So why did you stop then?” he asked. I felt my insides twist, he wanted to continue too. “Its past dawn Jesse, we should get back before Jane gets the wrong idea.” “Or the right one.” Jesse said. I didn’t even think it was possible for me to turn any redder.

Screenshot-58We walked home with our hands intertwined. He walked me to the door, and then broke away to go and get the mail.

Screenshot-60As he walked back down the stairs to the mailbox, I began biting my nails. What just happened? Well I know what happened but I still couldn’t believe that it did….

Screenshot-62He set the letters to the side and began to stretch. I clicked the door closed silently and flicked on the lights. “Well we better go and change, wouldn’t want Jane to get the wrong idea.” he said, quoting me. “Seeing us in the same clothes we were wearing yesterday will have her jump to all kind of conclusions.” he added with a smirk.

Screenshot-63“See you for breakfast.” he said, it wasn’t a question. I smiled and began walking to the stairs myself.

Screenshot-66When I was sure he was out of sight I just froze in my tracks and my knees buckled.

Screenshot-67My cheeks were burning and I didn’t know what to say or do… I was just confused. Did this mean what I think it did? I stormed up the stairs without giving myself more time to figure out what exactly this entailed. I replayed the events that just transpired it my head while fiddling with a lock of my hair. I just shook my head; I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.

Screenshot-68Does Jesse like me?… I opened the drawer and saw an outfit already laid out for me by Jane. It was quite revealing but at this point I hardly cared. I just needed to get out of these clothes, I could still feel where his arms were.

Screenshot-72I walked downstairs as silently as possible. I saw the leftovers of yesterday’s breakfast. I picked it up and walked over to the sink

Screenshot-73Was that all yesterday? It feels like so much more time has passed. I decided to preoccupy myself with cleaning the dishes.

Screenshot-74As I washed away the last scrap of food, I looked out the window to see a much more lively world outside far different that the empty one Jesse and I had been in hours ago..

TI decided I would leave a note for Jesse and Jane saying I decided to go for a walk. I needed to collect my thoughts, and emotions. A lot of emotions…

Thanks for reading! Feel free to let me know what you thought~ Take care.
xoxo Amy

3 thoughts on “Standing On My Own Chapter 12

  1. *smiles* I can totally understand her turmoil. Jesse’s pretty hot and cold with her, plus there’s the factor that he may only be into her because of Amara.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hmm…. Jesse confuses me. He is so mistrustful of girls but he seems to be awfully lax about Arianna. I get that she reminds him of Amara but boy… he seems to easily set himself up for another potential heartbreak. Though I’m sure she won’t hurt him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *sigh* You are 100% on the money about Jesse, lol. You’d think he’d treat girls like rubbish after what he’s been through but he ended up being 20% joking and distant attempting to avoid repeating his mistakes and 80% a sucker for potentially heartbreaking situations lol. Though you are right about Ariana as well and that she wouldn’t~ 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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